


A Muppet and a Madman

by TheDiamondSword400



Category: Doctor Who & Related Fandoms, Doctor Who (2005), The Muppet Show
Genre: Crack, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Humor, basically an fictional episode of the muppet show, zaniness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:55:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,984
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29787456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDiamondSword400/pseuds/TheDiamondSword400
Summary: It's The Muppet Show with our special guest stars The Doctor, Amy and Rory! This is an old fic co-created with my sister MsEcogeek from YouTube.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 2





	A Muppet and a Madman

_Knock Knock_

the door opened to reveal a strange creature with orange hair "Thirty seconds to curtain – Hello?" he called noticing a lack of movement "uh, is anybody here?" Scooter stepped a little further in and looked around the dressing room for the guest star, but found it empty. "Kermit, we don't have a guest star!" Scooter screamed in panic, running out of the room " _Kermmiiit!"_

_Vworp Vworp_

"Hello?" said a strange man popping his head out of a 1960s police box that wasn't there a minute ago.

* * *

"Kermit, Kermit, Kermit! Whaahhh!" Scooter cried out as he went flying down the stairs

"Scooter, you did that all wrong!" Gonzo exclaimed rushing forward to hover over the figure laying splayed out at the bottom of the staircase, clearly upset "You're supposed to skate on the banana peels down the stairs, not _sled on them!_ "

"Gonzo, will you get those banana peels off the stairs before someone gets hurt." Kermit said, coming over.

Gonzo threw out his arms in protest "But Kermit this act is _gold!_ "

"Act?" the frog exclaimed, glancing wide eyed from the stairs to the strange blue creature standing in front of him "I thought it was your lunch!"

"No, I'm having a pastrami and peanut butter sandwich for lunch," Gonzo told him, sounding almost normal "I'm telling you, Kermit, my new act is really something!"

Scooter rose to his feet unsteadily as the frog shook his head "They always are." Kermit sighed, rolling his eyes

Perceiving the frog long suffering as encouragement Gonzo started vibrating eagerly "Oh it is! You see, the curtain comes up and there I am, dressed like Elvis Presley-"

"Wait, Elvis Presley?" Kermit interrupted "Why would you be dressed as Elvis Presley?"

"It was either that or Elton John and the chickens had a problem with all the feathers." Gonzo told him a little sadly.

"The chickens?" Kermit asked, confused.

"Yeah, that's the good part!" Gonzo answered, eager once again "I'm holding chickens over my head in a pyramid-"

"Dressed as Elvis Presley." Kermit finished in a long suffering voice

Gonzo nodded eagerly "Yeah, then I skate down these stairs, covered in banana peels into a banana crème pie."

"A Banana crème pie?!" Kermit protested "Why a banana crème pie?!"

"Well, we needed to do something with all those bananas!" Gonzo exclaimed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"Gonzo, I can't show your act." Kermit told him, struggling to sound apologetic.

Gonzo's mouth fell open in shock "Why _not!?_ "

"Because the Flying Zucchini Brothers did it last month with a cow and an apple pie."

"Oh, I remember that!" Scooter exclaimed, speaking for the first time "I'm still cleaning all the applesauce out of the upholstery." he complained and let out a sigh.

"Now Scooter, where's the guest star? The show is starting any second." Kermit said, dismissing the strange disappointed being beside him

"That's what I was coming to tell you, there is no guest star." Scooter said, his nervousness returning.

"What do you mean there is no guest star?" asked Kermit, squeaking worriedly.

"I mean there is no guest star." replied Scooter "I went up to the dressing room to give the thirty second curtain call and there was no one there."

"WHAT!" yelled Kermit "This is terrible, how are we supposed to do the show without a guest star?!" he screamed, arms flailing about over his head.

"Hey Kermit, guess what." said Fozzie coming up to them with a wide smile on his fuzzy face.

"What is it, Fozzie?" asked Kermit.

"I have solved your guest star problem" announced Fozzie.

"Oh no, really?" Kermit said dreading the answer.

"Yes, the Flying Zucchini Brothers are available." Fozzie said excitedly.

"No, no, absolutely no. The last time they were here they completely demolished the theater." Kermit said "So find someone else and I don't care who!"

_Slam_

"Doctor, where are we?" Amy Pond asked, walking down the stairs.

"Well we seem to have landed on a strange planet inhabited by talking pigs, bears, fuzzy monsters, chickens. . ." replied the Doctor looking around with interest.

"Who are you?" demanded Kermit, staring up at him

"and frogs." finished the Doctor.

"Are you sure Doctor" asked Rory Williams, looking around "It looks more like a 1970s variety show."

"'A variety show' Rory?" asked the Doctor turning to face him with a patronizing smirk "Have you ever heard of a variety show from the 1970s with pigs, bears, chickens and frogs 2370s yes, 1970s no."

"Where did you come from, How Did You Get In Here and WHY DON'T YOU ANSWER ANY OF MY QUESTIONS?!" screamed Kermit flailing his arms around and getting more flustered my the minute.

"I'm sorry, did you say something?" asked the Doctor turning back around and looking down at the aggravated amphibian.

"Never mind just get out there!" Kermit said as he roughly pushed the Doctor out on stage.

* * *

"um, Hello I'm the Doctor" says the Doctor stumbling out onto the stage.

"Is there a patient in the audience?" said Waldorf, leaning forward to eye the strange bow-tied man on the stage

"No, but there's about to be." Statler called down to the stage and the two burst out laughing at their own joke "Doh Ho ho ho ho"

"Seriously, we're going for that old thing?" asked the Doctor turning and looking up at the balcony with the two old trolls in it with a look of annoyance on his face.

"How can that joke be old, I just came up with it?" demanded Statler

"I wasn't referring to the joke." the Doctor called out, stuffing his hands in his pockets as a smug look crossed his face as he smirked up at the balcony.

"Hey, weren't you ever taught to respect your elders?" demanded Waldorf.

"Sure I was, only there's no one here that's older than me!" the Doctor shot back.

"Come on, how old are you, eleven?" Statler demanded crossly.

"Add nine hundred years and you'll be getting close." the Doctor chuckled

"I know how you feel" Waldorf told him with a sigh.

"Yeah, this show adds about nine hundred years to your life" Statler called out and the two burst out laughing again "Doh Ho ho ho ho."

"Give me a Dalek any day" grumbled the Doctor storming off the stage.

Statler leaned over the rail as he watched him go "I thought celebrity guest stars were supposed to be celebrities?" he remarked

"This show just keeps going downhill." Waldorf agreed.

* * *

"Where's that frog?! Oohhff !" the Doctor exclaimed, bumping into a pig dressed like a old Hollywood glamor queen with long blond hair."Oh, excuse me."

"Watch your feet, big nose!" Miss Piggy snapped, brushing her hair out of her face.

"I'm sorry, do I know you?" asked the Doctor uncertainly as he wracked his brains for a name to go with the face glaring up at him.

"I've never seen you before in my life!" Miss Piggy snapped, looking him over then did a double take and looked him back over before focusing on his bow tie as her eyes widened with a look of disbelief

"It's just that you remind me of someone." the Doctor admitted, scratching is head

"Oh? Is she a glamorous media professional?" Miss Piggy asked preening

"I don't remember but I'm sure she's not a pig." the Doctor admitted, a distant look in his eyes

A look of outrage twisted Miss Piggy's face and she spun on him "Well, what are you fashion blind or did you raid the weirdo's closet?" she demanded

"Who is 'the weirdo'?" the Doctor asked in confusion then his eyes widened as Gonzo passed by in a multicolored patchwork suit that looked disturbingly familiar.

"Uh, maybe in another lifetime." he admitted as he followed the short being with wide eyes. He shook himself free of the sight and blinked uncertainly "Now what was I doing? Oh, yes. _Where's that frog?_ " demanded the Doctor angrily, looking around.

"Why are you looking for Kermit?" asked Miss Piggy, narrowing her eyes dangerously in suspicion.

" 'Kermit'? His name is 'Kermit'? Well I've heard worse names. But the reason I'm looking for him is that he pushed me on that stage and then I was insulted by these two old geezers up on that balcony. So I have a few choice words for him." the Doctor ranted.

"Oh,yeah? _Hiya!_ " yells Miss Piggy slapping the Doctor and stalked off, tossing her hair.

"Slapped for something I haven't even done yet." the Doctor muttered picking himself off the floor. "now I know _exactly_ who she reminds me of."

* * *

"So what is this place, Frog?" asked Amy.

"This is the Muppet Show and my name is Kermit, by the way." Kermit told her

"What are you doing here?" Rory asked as he stepped out of the way of a group of multicolored furry monsters dressed like whirling dervishes as they spun past and stared after them with wide eyes.

"I'm the host." Kermit told her

"The host of what?" Rory mumbled stepping out of the way of a group of talking Alligators. Amy slapped him on the arm and flashed him an amused smile.

"Honestly, sometimes I'm not quite sure." Kermit admitted with a sigh "so. . . who are you exactly?" he asked curiously, glancing between them.

"Well, I'm Amy Pond and this is my husband Rory Williams" Amy explained, gesturing between them.

"And what is it you do?" questioned Kermit.

"We're time travelers" Amy and Rory said at the same time.

Kermit stared at them "Time Travelers?" he repeated

"Yes," Amy said with a nod, smiling widely "We travel through time and space with an alien who is over nine hundred years old and has two hearts called the Doctor saving planets."

Kermit shook his head with wonder "I don't know what's scarier that I believe you or that I've heard worse." he muttered as a gaggle of vegetables wondered past, shouting greetings to the frog.

Amy lifted her eyebrows as she watched them disappear "Furry monsters, Talking gators and veggies? I think you're right about this place being weird, Frog."

"Uh, its Kermit." said Kermit, repeating himself yet again as a pig version of William Shatner dressed in a silver spacesuit came up from behind them.

"And I'm Link Hogthrob" said Link, coming up to Amy admiringly and asking "Have you ever thought of a career in the theater?"

"Excuse me? An acting career? Are you serious?" Amy asked incredulously.

"Well if there was a rakishly handsome pig to show you the ropes . . . Wait one second, did I hear you correctly, did you just say you travel in space? That's even better we need a new member on the Swine Trek" said Link excitedly.

" _'Swine Trek'_ " Amy mouthed silently "Come on Rory, let's go find where the Doctor has gone off to." she said, turning and almost getting run over by Rolfe who was in an absolute panic.

"We need a nurse! Is there a nurse anywhere around here?" Rolfe cried out dressed in hospital scrubs.

"Uh, I'm a nurse" said Rory stepping forward, eying the dog uncertainly.

"You're a nurse?" asked Rolfe, studying him intently.

Kermit glanced at the young man in confusion "I thought you just said you were time travelers?"

"Yeah, well, I am. I'm both, that is." replied Rory a little sheepishly with a shrug

"Well then, come on." Rolfe said, grabbing him by the arm and dragging him off.

"Hold on a second, where are they taking him?" Amy protested, confronting Kermit as Rory was dragged away.

The frog glanced at her and was struck by how much she reminded him of Miss Piggy "To the next skit, which I have to go announce right now." Kermit informed her in a rush and ran out on stage trying to get away from the angry redhead who glared after him.

"Get back here, frog. If you think that I'm going to just – What!? Hey!" yelled Amy as everything went black.

* * *

_Veterinarian's Hospital – The continuing story of a quack that's gone to the dogs_

Miss Piggy rushed over to the gurney then jerked to a halt as she caught sight of the figure standing next to Rolfe "Who are you?" Miss Piggy exclaimed staring at Rory in confusion "Who is he?"

"He's the new nurse." Rolfe told her

"Actually I'm just really confused." Rory admitted helplessly shooting a look down at the cucumber laying on the gurney uncertainly "I'm a real nurse, I work in a real hospital."

"Alright, then check his pulse." Rolfe ordered, gesturing to the cucumber.

"It's a cucumber! It doesn't have a pulse!" Rory shouted, throwing up his hands in frustration

"Oh No! We lost the patient!" Rolfe exclaimed in horror.

"We've lost more than that." Miss Piggy muttered, rolling her eyes

"It. Is. _A Vegetable!_ " Rory grumbled, rubbing his eyes then shot Rolfe a withering look "You people are nuts!"

"You just figured that out?" Miss Piggy muttered, shooting him a look.

"Look, _people_ go to hospitals, not _vegetables!_ " Rory exclaimed, ignoring Miss Piggy as he fixed the dog with withering look.

"Then where do vegetables go when they get sick?" Rolfe asked blankly

"They don't get sick they get eaten!" Rory screamed in exasperation

"Oh!" Rolfe exclaimed as his eyes widened in sudden understanding and grabbed the cucumber " _Hey, Chef!_ " he called backstage "I got something for you!" he said and chucked the cucumber off the stage. A loud crash was heard and looks of utter horror crossed the three's faces

"Wow, that was . . . very loud." Rory mumbled weakly, face paling visibly.

"Who knew that the cucumber would go so far up his nose?" Rolfe remarked in the same tone, staring offstage

"And when did we get a crystal chandelier?" Miss Piggy wondered aloud, a hand covering her eyes.

"AAAGGGHHH!" Kermit raced out on stage "What Happened to the chandelier and why does the SWEDISH CHEF HAVE A CUCUMBER UP HIS NOSE!" the Frog screamed

The three traded a look then bolted from the stage.

* * *

"Was it two lefts and a right or was it two rights and a left" muttered the Doctor wandering around backstage completely lost.

"Come on, Camilla, do it for me" pleaded Gonzo as the Doctor came upon him trying to put a chicken into a sequined and feathered outfit. "Excuse me, but do you know the way back to the front of the theater?" asked the Doctor.

"Oh sure" replied Gonzo, turning to look at him "It's one left, then a right at the corn maze, two more rights and then another two lefts. Go down the hallway, through the red door but not the fuchsia door and if you smell warm peppermint gym socks and hear gurgling you've gone too far" said Gonzo pointing this way and that as he was giving the directions to the Doctor, the chicken standing behind him turning in the opposite direction he was pointing.

"I'm sorry could you repeat that, please?" the Doctor asked scratching his head with a perplexed look on his face.

"No, I don't think so." said Gonzo happily, grinning manically up at him.

The Doctor blinked at the odd little creature for a moment, thrown off kilter by the giddy response "Uh, yes, alright then. Well, thanks anyway." said the Doctor, starting to walk away then turning back around hearing what sounded like chickens having an argument with someone, which was exactly what it was.

"They're saying that they have enough feathers" said the Doctor seeing that Gonzo was having difficulty getting the chickens into their costumes.

"How do you know that?" asked Gonzo as he turned to look up at him curiously.

"I speak chicken" said the Doctor matter of factly then with an embarrassed shrug "Though they're not really good conversationalists. All the ones I've met just kept gossiping about the exploits of the chicks and roosters." his face got a funny look on it and his brow furrowed deeply "Though there was this one road island red who helped me defeat a horde of Krafayis-"

"Can you teach me how to speak chicken?" interrupted Gonzo suddenly with wide eyes

The Doctor blinked down at him in surprise "I don't know, it's a very difficult language to learn" he said

"Oh come on, please" begged Gonzo. getting more excited by the moment at the hopes of finally being able to have a conversation with chickens.

Camilla the Chicken started to cluck loud and long at the Doctor, flapping her wings like crazy.

"What did she say?" Gonzo asked the Doctor eagerly .

"No, no, no that costume doesn't make you look fat." the Doctor assured the chickens "A bit more fluffy though-Uh oh." the Doctor's eyes widened in fear and he took of running, being chased by a bunch of angry chickens.

* * *

_'Heen gah dink a durgen. Bor gah dink gah do. Heen borg gah dink borg gah da. Bork, Bork, Bork!'_

sang the Swedish Chef. "Ing gah da makding dee Cousderd Pie!" announced the Swedish Chef in a strange sort of gibberish. "eared de cousderd" said the Swedish Chef pulling out a bowl of custard. "und eared da pie cruoost. Ward de pie cruoost?" the Swedish Chef looked around for the pie crust but there was only the bowl of custard on the counter. Bending over he began searching the drawers and cupboards, finding only a box of rubber gloves "Roober glooves? Wad id dis? id da fishy." The Swedish Chef pulling out a fish from under the counter

"Wad im me goona do wid dis?" Wondered the Swedish Chef scratching his head in confusion.

_Crash! Bang! Smash!_

"Sorry about that, I got a bit turned around after I ran into those angry chickens" said the Doctor climbing out of a pile of pots and pans, pulling the Swedish Chef out with him and looking over his shoulder nervously.

"Who da you?" asked the Swedish Chef perplexed.

"I'm the Doctor" said the Doctor "Oh, Custard." the Doctor said sticking his finger in it and tasting it "Now where's some fish fingers when you need them?" muttered the Doctor under his breath, looking under the counter.

"Fish de fingders? wad id Fish de fingders?" asked the Swedish Chef.

"Well I'd better try to get back to my friends, I can't seem to find my way around here, it seems to be bigger on the inside" the Doctor said wandering off the stage.

"Ah Ha!' he exclaimed and stuffed the fish into the largest part of the glove so there was a rubber glove with the fingers in the front and a fish's tail sticking out the back next to the bowl of custard.

"Fish de fingders und da cousderd." declared the Swedish Chef with pride

* * *

"Now what were those directions again, two lefts then two rights, no that's wrong." said the Doctor getting more lost by the second. "And how am I supposed to tell the difference between fuchsia and red in the dark when all I have is my sonic screwdriver and it only comes in green and blue." the Doctor said walking through a door that was probably neither red or fuchsia.

_squish_ "I really need to get around to upgrading this thing with red settings" said the Doctor wincing as the scent of warm peppermint gym socks filled the air.

* * *

_And Now Pigs In Sppaaace!_

_We join our inconceivable adventurers in the process of introducing a new crew member to the Swine Trek._

"So where is this new crew member, Captain?" asked Dr. Strangepork.

"She should be here any moment, as soon as I saw her I knew she was perfect" said Link admiringly with a dreamy look in his eyes.

" _'She'?_ This new crew member is a woman?" Miss Piggy demanded.

"Yes, Miss Piggy, soon you will no longer be the only female on this ship" replied Link with pleasure

_Ping_

"This must be her" announced Link and they all turned as Amy Pond marched in wearing a sparkling silver mini-dress with bright purple tights with a look on her face that would send a Dalek running for the hills

"Where is he!?" stormed Amy then she caught sight of Link "There you are." she exclaimed, marching up to him "Just what do you think you're doing kidnapping me and bringing me on this disgusting excuse for a spaceship? It's a pig sty" Amy yelled, inches away from a cowering Link's face.

"Well, we are pigs" Dr. Strangepork said, stating the obvious and earning a sharp look from Amy.

"You _kidnapped_ her?!" screamed Miss Piggy, whacking Link on the arm.

"Well - I – you see" stammered Link nervously.

Amy leaned against the console, crossing her arms "Great, I've been shanghaied by a bunch of pigs in space." she said rolling her eyes as Captain Link Hogthrob, Dr. Strangepork and Miss Piggy started to bicker about the morality of abducting guest stars for new crew members.

_Vworp Vworp_

At the sound of the TARDIS materializing the argument suddenly ended. "Oh you're in trouble now, just wait till you see what coming for you" Amy chuckled smugly as the doors to the TARDIS opened and the Doctor stumbled out. "There you are, I was wondering where you had got off to. Although I'm not sure about the new outfit." said the Doctor sonicing her and seeing if she was okay.

"Is this what we're supposed to be scared of ?" asked Miss Piggy incredulously.

"Oh no it's you again" exclaimed the Doctor, ducking behind the TARDIS.

"Doctor, can we go now?" Amy asked.

"Very well, come along Pond." said the Doctor peeking out cautiously from behind the TARDIS where he was hiding, snapping his fingers to open the doors and entering the TARDIS with Amy.

"Well I hope you learned your lesson" said Miss Piggy to Link. "Lesson? what lesson would that be?" asked Link starting the argument again as the TARDIS dematerialized.

_Tune in next time for the befuddling adventures of_

_Pigs In Sppaaace!_

* * *

_Vworp Vworp_

"Kermit, I want to have a word with you." the Doctor said walking out of the TARDIS and storming up to him.

"Um, yes. What is it?" Kermit asked worriedly.

"I have been to some of the strangest places in the universe, but I have never seen anything like this place!" the Doctor declared.

"Yes, well we're pretty unique in that sense." replied Kermit with a shake of his head.

"I've been insulted by your audience, chased by angry chickens, ran into your cook quite literally, got lost in the maze of corridors you have in this theater, had one of my companions employed by a veterinarian who's a dog and the other kidnapped by pigs on a _Spaceship!_ " yelled the Doctor.

"Yeah, well things can get a bit out of hand here, sorry." said Kermit sheepishly.

"You said that right. So I just want to know one thing?" the Doctor said quietly, moving closer to Kermit.

"And what's that?" Kermit whimpered.

"When do I go on next, eh?" said the Doctor with a big grin lighting up his face.

"Hey Doctor," called Amy sticking her head out of the TARDIS "River's on the phone"

"Oh, I guess we've better be going then. It was nice meeting you and I had a great time here" said the Doctor shaking Kermit's flipper but somehow shaking his whole body instead. "Bye" says the Doctor, turning and entering the TARDIS, mumbling "She's not going to believe this one!" then disappearing a few seconds later.

"And I thought last week when Peter Sellers was the guest star was the weirdest day I ever had" Kermit moaned and then dropped to the floor in a faint.

* * *

"Do you think time travel is possible?" asked Statler.

"If it was I would've gone to the future and missed this show entirely" replied Waldorf.

"Doh Ho ho ho ho"


End file.
